Beck's Poetry
Daddy's Poems
Up to this point, I've always felt a need to explain myself and justify this series of poems - however, I'm not going to do that this time... all I'm going to say is that "Daddy" isn't my father, and while some aspects of it might be real... there are others that are entirely figments of my imagination.
Down The Pub
Sitting together in some backstreet pub
Them, their daddy and me
I watch as they eat their sweets
Daddy and I exchange knowing looks
Soon their time to go home will come
Then Daddy and I get to play
But for now, I sit back and enjoy
This shot at something I can never be
There innocent eyes look at me
Knowing nothing, yet knowing all
I can never make their lives fall
They need to stand tall
I’ll hide away
Hoping that one day
We can all be gay once again
And this game I play
Will become reality
The Mistress
She’s always there in the shadows
Just like a dog wanting a bone
Hoping that one day, you’ll make her your own
She sees things
Little snippets of you
You the lover
You the dad
You the husband
In a small town, it’s hard to avoid
Makes her think,
Just how can she break all that?
Perhaps she did wrong ever getting involved?
Did you let her in too deep?
Was it just too much fun?
Either way, you know she’s just going to run
She’ll always wonder what came of you and the kids
Came to see them as hers
Wonders what could have been
But knows there could never be anything
Could never break taboos or hearts
Besides, how daft would it look
Being mum to children older than she?
Will you be the one?
Will you be the one that holds me tight
Can you guide me through this endless night
And give me the strength to fight
Until morning's light
Will you watch me fail
And be the light in the dark
Can you stay strong when I am weak
Be my faith when I have none
Is yours the voice of courage
That whispers “Pick yourself up, carry on”
When I feel that hope is gone
And my will to go on is none
I might go wrong
And leave it too long
But I'll remember the words of the song
I only hope you can be strong.
There Are Things You Should Know
There are things you should know
Things I could never show
So I had to watch you go
While my heart cried no
Even in the cold light of day
I could never turn away
Something happened that had more sway
And it's a price I'll always have to pay
I know things have gone bad
You can't let it stop you being a dad
Hold on to the things I never had
Even though it'll make you sad
And feel bad
Walking through the dark
Be sure to listen to your heart
For there we'll never be apart
There's always that spark
Don't try to do this alone
No matter how rough the road
Know that I, too, carry the load
No matter how far you roam
You can always come home
I know you think I didn't care
Truth is, I didn't dare
To cross the line
All I needed was more time
Healing The Pain
In my hands, I hold a heart
The responsibility so heavy, yet so light
The feelings so hard to fight
When the desire's so right
Daddy, please don't ask this of me
There are things you don't see
More than you can never know
Don't ask me to show
We go back further than a minute here or an hour there
Close your eyes, open your heart and take my hand
Touch my face, feel the tears
As you once again take a hold of my fears
You know deep down inside why I had to walk away
And the things I need to say
But I can never force you to stay
So it's a price I'll have to pay
I hope that you know
That no matter where you go
The feelings will always remain
Distance doesn't make them easier to contain
When you tire of the pain
Come back to me to heal again
Powerless To Resist
I know this is wrong
Warning bells sound like a gong
Yet I'm powerless to resist
His power making me his own
Time flies
Yet I still hear his cries
Feel the pull
I struggle to deny
They say time and distance are key
Then why haven't either worked for me?
We both know this cannot be
Yet neither can set the other free
Two little words are all it takes
Yet neither wants the pain or the heartache
So one walks free
The other lives in her cell
Times Gone By
Daddy said nothing
But Daddy saw a lot
He knew what he had to do
To fix the hurt inside
He saw the little girl sitting there
And reached in where few had a care
And many wouldn't even dare
So began the affair
She turned his head
Played with his heart
Didn't run when he told her of his past
Did all that he asked
Though she tried not to ask
For more than he'd got
She suspected it mattered not a jot
For he'd give up the lot
There always comes a time when the price must be paid
They hoped the day could be delayed
Now their worlds are decayed
Their minds in the haze
Of times gone by
Promises
Daddy, take me in your arms once again,
Let your love take away the pain
Hold me close and tell me
That everything is going to be okay
Then I can live another day
Promise me that we will never part
That I have a place in your heart
Times will get hard and you'll have to fight
But I can never live with us apart
There are things I can never tell you
Horrors I never want you to see
But I can never live if you set me free
Even though I know you and I can never be.
Lessons
Daddy promised so little
Yet gave so much
He taught her to love
In a way only Daddy could
How could it be so wrong
When it feels so right
To take the odd stolen night
Hidden together out of sight
The lessons need to be learned
And trust has to be earned
There's only so long one can hide
So best enjoy the ride
Gifts don't have to cost a lot
Sometimes even the simplest things
Can mean so much
Pleasure comes in many a form
Yet leaves one feeling torn
Hearing Daddy's Call
She ventured to a nearby town with her mother
The town in itself held nothing but pain and misery for her
Though the shops she was visiting were nothing when she last left
So she felt they'd be safe and untainted by the poison in her head
Loading the last of the bags into the car, his call came
He yelled the name that was hers but wasn't hers
She glanced up into the sun in her face
The invisible hands grabbed onto her
Dragging her back through time
The feelings took control of her body
She told herself that this wasn't him
That she'd be safe with Daddy
Her mind and body weren't one
The tears threatened to come
Suddenly, she's sat in the car
Trying to gather the pieces of her broken heart
Questions fly through her mind thick and fast
Only Daddy can provide the answers
But not today, today she needs to shake off the ghosts
Please Take These Feelings (Make Them Go Away)
Daddy, There are things about me
Things you'll never know
Feelings I can never show
The hardest was stepping back and watching you go
Please take the joy of having you so near
Making me feel so dear
And the pain of the wounds so raw
That you tended so delicately
Please let me build my walls so high
That no one will ever make me cry
Though you never turned your back, Daddy
The pain will never go 'way
Memories of that fateful day are never far away
You saw that I had to feel
In order to heal
But you didn't hear the warning bells peal
I heard the words you said
Now I'm wishing I was dead
For they are burned in my head
Only you can take away
This pain I feel
I thought I could be a mistress
The pain was to cause great distress
When I wanted so much more
Than you could ever give
You taught me to live
In your arms, I learned to feel
Even started to heal
Then you uttered the words
Left wounds of your own
Every day, I feel empty
Though we talked late into the night
One taboo you never covered
Was how I feel
Now I try so hard to find the words
To tell you I think of you each day
The children I wanted as my own in every way
To wake up with you here to stay
I hope when we meet
I can find the words to say
That finally set me free
Doubting Daddy
It's been 10 years, Daddy
10 years since I walked away
I still think of you every day
Still question the things I saw that night
I know I have no right
That the answers aren't mine
I tried to remember my place, Daddy
But that hurt like mace
I close my eyes at night
And see you walking with her
Hear you laughing
I know I have no right
To feel the things I feel
Go back a few hours more
A part of me died that night
I wanted the only light in my dark, Daddy
To feel you again
Kissing away the pain
Why didn't you give up on me, Daddy?
I know I'm not the best
Do you think this was a test?
Or could it be
That there's more to you and me
I know you have a job to do
I could never take that from you
They are as dear to me
As they are to you
I've seen you with them
I know you are a great dad
They Say
Forget about it, they say
Close your eyes and turn away
You'll never be the one to make him stay
And there'll be a price to pay
Look inside my heart
Know we aren't supposed to be apart
Live with the hurt
Fight the dark
Ain't no walk in the park
They don't know what I do
Nor do they live this way, too
Times of joy are few
I'm empty without you
The Game
Every night is just the same
Yet I still play the game
Even though I don't know your aim
They wonder why
I look at your picture and I hear you cry
I feel your pain
And it makes me cry
Each time, I feel a little of me die
Every night, I give you my all
Responding to your call
Every morning I feel I might fall
But I try to leave you standing tall
It's the only thing I know
And I care more than I ever show
The hardest thing I ever did was let you go
While my heart cries "No"
We Are
I am everything
I am nothing
I'm your strength
When you are feeling weak
The voice of courage
And the quiet calm
That wraps around you like a balm
You are more than you think
You're the light in my dark
My walk in the park
You give me that spark
To carry on when all is lost
No matter what the cost
If Only
If only we'd taken some of the time we spent in bed
To simply talk instead
We wouldn't be feeling half dead
With each day full of dread
I never dared
To think that you cared
Or even that you heard
Yet you were scared
You seemed so strong
Yet, I was so wrong
The words on the tip of my tongue
The wait would have been too long
Had I known you cared
I would have shared
The things I never dared
Because I was scared
Untitled 4
Alone in the night
Her heart suppresses a groan
And she allows her mind to wander
The empty hours stretch endlessly
The dawn is reluctant to set her free
It seems that the world is content to leave her be
The memories come fast
Of a love that wasn't built to last
In her heart, the flag is always at half mast
Sleep eludes me for another night
I yearn for your arms to hold me tight
From now until morning light
Maybe then I'll cease the fight
I know that it isn't right
And that I'll look a sight
In the cold light of day
But only with you was I happy and gay
You were my only desire
But you know what happens when you play with fire
The easy route is to brand me a liar
And go back to the routine that tires
Untitled 5
Reach Out
Reach out and put your hand in mine
It feels so wrong and it feels so right
I want you to hold me through the night
How did I find someone so fine?
There is no age
As we fill another page
I caused you some rage
Now I wish for a mage
I was scared
To think that you cared
All my life, I've been unheard
I couldn't let myself feel things I never dared
I hate what I've become
Since I tried to run
My soul cries out for fun
My body remains glum
Hold me close now
Then walk away
Know that I don't have the power
To make you stay
Hold your head high
And don't look back
I'll hold in the sigh
As you condemn a part of me to die
It hurts, I can't lie
But no matter what, I won't cry
Life will get in the way
The price I will pay
And words I'll never get to say
Yet I can never make my heart stray
Life Goes On
Tears
Alone she stands
On the golden sand
Her feet start to sink
And it's hard to think
She sees it all
Yet knows not a thing
Except for the sting
Of all the tears
They say tears are
A release of fears
Yet no one even hears
As the pain sears
She's tired of being sore
Never understood what it's for
Why life's such a chore
That leaves you wanting more
Love
Love is a little tough
When the life you know is rough
Days and nights both the same
Just filled with pain
One thing you have to see
Is fear bought the change in me
And caused me to flee
From all that I held dear
Though you and I may never be
You still own a part of me
That I swore never to give
As long as I live
Alone, I walk through each day
Unhappy with the price I pay
While you play
Alone I must stay
As darkness falls like a cape
I still get no escape
Fighting demons unseen
Hoping I live to see another day
Each night, I cry a little
As I die a little more
My mind and my heart have gone away
They just couldn't stay
My thoughts are full of you
And the things we used to do
They think I ran
And I guess you do, too
Times got tough
And the road rough
Feelings became more than enough
In my hands, I hold a heart
I never wanted to tear it apart
Yet there can never be a place for 3
That was only ever made for 2
There's so much more to say
Lots left to do
How I wished you'd stayed
Even though our feelings frayed
My arms reach for you
And I hope you don't live with this pain, too
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To go back to the days of me and you
Untitled 6
I Tried
Daddy, I tried
So hard to hide
I even lied
Turned my back on you
I knew the danger you were in
Thought I could win
My whole world in a spin
The questions and answers I need
Grow in my mind like a seed
There was no warning to heed
Warning was something we shouldn't need
I turned away
Hoping you'd be able to stay
Laying in my bed late at night
I cease my fight
For there we can be together all night
It is with a smile on my face that I announce that there will be no more updates to Daddy's Poems. However, I will leave all that is here up for your reading pleasure.
The reason that I have chosen to stop updating this section of the website is because my life has moved on from where it once was and I feel that I wouldn't be able to convey the emotion that my readers deserve if I was to try and force myself to continue to write poetry about this time period of my life.
With that said, I will be adding new poems and maybe even new sections as the inspiration strikes me - so, even though I close the book on this period of my life... this is by no means a goodbye.